And... We're Awake!!!

Alright I'm not totally recovered from Daylight savings yet, but I'm not grumpy anymore. Which is good. I'm still tired, but spring break is coming up (now that is springy) so I'll be able to catch up on all the sleep I've losted since we came back from Christmas Break.

Today was interessting. The last two classes were shortened so that we could have a commisioning assembly. A bunch of missions teams are going out over spring break. One of my bestest friends is on one of the trips. She's going to Costa Rica. She leaves tomorrow.

My youth is down in LA on a missions trip as well (the one I wanted to go on. Did I mention this earlier?) So yesterday the youth was cut down in half and then some. There was more girls then guys, and there was four maybe five people who were actually in highschool. The rest were middle schoolers. We were watching a Youth Bites on Raves and escapism. And after we were in small groups talking about it, and my youth leader had asked what escapism was like, and I blurted out "spiritual cavities." This idea came about because he said constintly trying to escape reality through raves, or music, or book, or TV was like candy. Alright once in a while, but not in excess. And then we were coming up with a whole line of spiritual dentistry. The list being:

Escapism and sin: Cavities

Prayer: Emanil

Bible: Toothbrush

Worship: Toothpaste

Love: Gold fillings

Faith: Silver fillings

Hope/joy: White fillings

Jesus: Dentist

Holy Spirt: Dental Hygienist

Yes we were on task.

Anyway. Ich must schlafen, und tazen gehen. (I have to go sleep. And dance.) Dance first.

Nighty-night.

Aurum.

Way To Tired

Who ever thought of the idea of daylights savings? He should have to wear a sign that says "I don't value sleep! I'm really odd!" I am so tired. It took me TEN minutes to get out of bed this morning! TEN MINUTES! All because of the stupid 'spring ahead' stupidity. It ain't springy to loose sleep! I NEED SLEEP!

Enough of me mumbling. Well I talked to my phineas group leader about the whole other group thing, and it turns out the youth paster doesn't know me well enough to let me lead a group. (I, of course, am completely happy. I now don't have to figure out to get OUT of leading a group of pre-teens!)
Anyway. I'm in the middle of math class, nothing important is going on. I've just finished a quiz and am waiting for the rest of the class to hurry up and finish it as well. I'm also trying not to fall asleep. Again blame the guy without a mind that made this stupid dailightsavings for this.

Toodles.

Aurum.

And so the insanity continues

Well this has been an interesting couple of weeks. Full of ups downs and round a whatever-there-called. One long endless roller coaster. Sometimes one long endless boring roller coaster. I don't like roller coasters. To darn scary. But that's besides the point.

I had gotten this idea for a group in my youth. For the pre-teen and younger teen girls, on dressing modestly and getting away from obsessing about about brand name clothes and make-up and 'looking' good. I told my Phineas (small group/cell group) leader about this and she actually told the youth paster about it. Now I do not know as of yet what he said about it, but I know that I really don't like the idea any more. As I think as it was my idea i would be asked to lead it, and I'm not good with people as I've said before. I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE! I'm not a people person. I would die of humiliation before I even started talking. And if I didn't die of humiliation then I wouldn't make it past actually talking to them. And if I somehow did I would sound hypocritical with what I was talking about. On the whole it was a very bad idea. Or a very good idea if someone else will lead it.

And then after I've decided that this was a terrible idea never to be thought of again (not that it doesn't constantly pop up into my mind wanting me to think about it) I started to retreated as I every so often do into a black cocoon. No I do NOT spin a cocoon around myself I am not a Caterpillar. This is just what I call it when I decided that the world is quite pointless, I don't really fit into it, and people stink. I do this about once twice three, six times a year (OK maybe not six, but I do it at least twice). I sort of feal like I could go into this cocoon for real and I wouldn't notice how black it was because everything is so dark. Granted part of why I felt this way was because I had just watched this movie called Danika. It was supposed to be suspense thriller whatever you want to call it type of movie. The back sounded promising, but the movie stunk. After watching this movie I was thinking 'Well that was a waist of my time.' But then that night, I was thinking about it, and I really started thinking about retreating into the cocoon. But fear not, I didn't. The next day at Church I was fine, and now, Tuesday, I'm back to normal. Whatever normal is for me.

I'll probably post again soon to say what the youth paster said about the idea. How this week went, and all that fun wonderful stuff.

Stay happy.

Aurum.

Insert random happy mushy gushy stuff here

Today has been an absolutely wonderful day. You know those days that it just seams that everything will go right, and the things that don't don't really seam to matter much? Well, it was one of those days. So bright and cheery and happy and wonderful-like.

It started out this morning (go figure) and it was bright and sunny and pretty. So I get up, dressed, do my hair, eat, and leave for school. Its cold outside, but not cold enough to make you want to bundle up. Really pretty. And the sky... it was so pretty. At the edge of what you could see it was a light powder blue and slowly faded into the deep blue that you want to cut a slice out of and keep forever. The bus was boring. And then at school I have to cross the field to go from bus stop to school, and because its a field there is grass, and because it was winter the grass had frost on it, BUT because it was sunny out the sun was reflecting off the grass so it looked like diamonds were sprinkled across the grass. It was so pretty. I wish I had a camera (and now that I think of it, I did, but at the time I didn't think of me cell and its pictures aren't as pretty). School was fine. It went by really fast. After school was nice and cozy. It wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold. I had to cross the field; which sadly did not have the frost on it anymore; to get to the bus. I took the bus farther then I usually did because I had to get my glasses. Now, I know I picked these glasses out myself, and I really did honestly truly like them when I picked them out, I put them on and was thought "Why did I pick these? There horrible?" But it was to late to back out as they were already paid for. I think it was just that I'm not used to them, and they are really different from my old ones.

On the plus side with my glasses if I look at the reflection of a light bulb or light in general from the lenses, its green. Don't know why, but its kinda cool. And then tonight at dance I happened to look up before going into the studio and spotted the stars. And wow. Just wow. They were so pretty. They weren't all out, and from where I was you couldn't see much anyway. But they were so pretty. They weren't the big/littlish globs of twinkling lights that you see. It was like someone had stretched black construction paper over the sky, took a thumbtak and punched holes in it and held a light up to it. It was so pretty. More people should see little things like diamonds in the grass, and thumbtak attacked stars, and sky so blue you want to cut out a peace to keep. Because I think if people were really to see these they wouldn't be able to doubt that God exists. I mean the changes of all this beauty happening, and happening on the same day. HA!!!

Oh, I should mention that I am going insane, thanks to Bible class. Our teacher has this project were we have to do something 'radical' like giving up something or doing something you normally wouldn't do for one week. This is because we are learning about the Anabaptist's and how they were quite radical for there time. So since last Tuesday (tomorrow is my last day...) I have not written a story or a poem. I know for most people that's no big deal but I love writing! And to make it worse I've had a story idea in my head for the WHOLE TIME!!!!! Insanity is about to kick in, so if I don't write for a long period of time (more the three or four months) that's because I don't think they let you have computers in a mental ward. I should note here that I haven't cheated on this yet and wrote anything, ALTHOUGH if it was to last any longer then a week I'd be 'pigging out' so to speak on writing when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Anyway since I last posted nothing big has happened. I've gotten what I call puzzle peaces, which I won't explain on here because its complicated and I have to go to bed soon. I've learned I have no choice in anything anymore. I have started to miss my Bible (I left it in my locker just ONCE because my hands were full and I spend the whole weekend missing it, when I wouldn't have read it if I had had it anyway most likely). And other then that my life has been quite boring and there is nothing to report.

OH, and I passed all my classes. I barely passed Bio (but I passed). My new classes are fun and this is defiantly my easy semester.

Aurum.

Christiana

OK, so I haven't updated since the beginning of LAST month (which, by default, means I haven't updated ALL YEAR!!!!!! *gasp*) But that's just because I have found nothing of interest to write about. Lets face it, I live a very boring life. The most interesting thing that has happened is that I think I pulled a muscle in my neck reaching for the dust cover of a book that was over the side of my bed. (How I did that was beyond me. Now it feels like I have a really bad kink in my neck).

Well I did finish the ending of my story (I only started the beginning today, but I finished the ending a couple days ago), and have decided that except for the last line I have to re-write parts of it. I'm going to have to put in more dialog (this will be the part were Cryptee finds out that Moren has always been the better deceiver, and proof is that despite what she has been led to believe the whole book *and her whole life* Moren is stronger then her). But I am keeping the last line:

"And so evil destroys evil. For that is the nature of evil, to implode on itself while exploding on everything else." ~ Cryptee

Oh, last night I was reading 'Little Pilgrims Progress.' Its a child version of the actual book (in other words its been adapted so that children can read it, understand it, and enjoy it. I would like to read it with big people words). And I can't help but think that Christiana is quite lucky. I mean her brothers and sister (basically her whole family) become Pilgrims of the King with her, I only really have my dad as a 'pilgrim' and even then I really have to wonder about it. She doesn't run into much trouble on the road to Celestial City. And most of all she has Braveheart, a guide and friend to help her on the way to Celestial City, and to answer and explain every question she might have about the King.

And while sure, I have people who I can talk to (Dawn, Melissa, Stephanie, ext.) I don't really know them that well. Sure, I knew Dawn really great, but I haven't seen her in three years, and haven't really talked to her that long. I haven't really talked to Melissa since I switched Churches (and didn't know her well enough to share deep dark secrets when I did talk to her), and I really just met Stephanie.

As well I'm not the type of person people really want to be around long. I'm lazy, selfish, and a loudmouth. I talk way more then I listen, I sometimes could really care less how others feel. I act first, think later (even when I try not to), and end up hurting people. Its kinda funny, I go to a school that is about community, a church that's two main focus's (besides God) are people and food and I couldn't feel more cut of from people if I tried. Most of it is probably my fault, I tend to push people away, just so they won't eventually get hurt by my self-centered thoughtless behaviour.

Well, that's life for ya.

By the way MERRY CHRISTMAS and Happy New Year. Maybe 2008 will be better then 2007.

Aurum.

Hot Apple Cider

Today was quite weird. Extremely odd I guess you could say. It started out I was just taking a little girl that I babysit out for a walk to Value Village to do some random window/looking around the store pointlessly shopping. They finally had the Nativity Scene up in this fountain (like they do every year) so I stopped to look at it, and there was this group of people from some church (I'm not actually sure which one) who were singing Christmas Carols (the good ones, not the 'have-a-happy-holiday-but-be-careful-over-which-holiday-and-be-politically-correct junkie ones that they have), as well they were giving out cookies, candy canes, and hot apple cider. The little girl I babysit got two candy canes and I got hot apple cider (which I spilt on my hands three times while trying to push her stroller, but thankfully it wasn't blistering hot).

On the way back from Value Village I stopped there again and tried to explain to the little girl about the manager scene. I ended up explaining it five times (she's only two) naming each of the figures in there. The cutest thing was when we were leaving she said "Box! 'Esus!" As we continued walking she started pointing at random stuff going "Whatdi?" (what's this) so I was naming the stuff off, as well as what it did. The first thing was one of those little glass shelters that they have at some bus stops. So I go: "It's a shelter," and I pushing the buggy under it and stopped, "it keeps you dry when its raining," and then because we weren't that far from the manger scene I tacked on, "just like Jesus does." The next was a light posts, its description being: "It goes high into the sky and shines light on the street so people know were to go, just like Jesus does." (Do remember that this was for 'her' benefit.) And then it kinda hit me, it was just like Jesus does. Jesus is high up in the sky shining light on the world so people know were to go. And then it started to get really weird, everything I tried to explain I could truthfully tack on 'just like Jesus does.' The fire hydrant holds the water that puts out fires, Jesus can put out spiritual fires. Crossing lights tell you when to walk and when to be still, and Jesus can do that too. Cross walk lines are boundaries that you have to follow to stay safe, and Jesus sets boundaries. It was almost a little freaky where you can find something here that mimics Jesus.

And then my second revolution of the day was; still on the walk; bus stop benches. Just so the little girl that I babysat knew what I was talking about when I tried to explain about the benches, I jumped up onto one of the benches and did a little disco dance; on two different benches. Which then got me to thinking; someone could have seen me make a total fool of my self for a little girl, how embarrassing. But it wasn't really embarrassing. Which got me thinking even more. People now a day's won't do something God asks us to do because it might embarrass us in front of other people, and we don't think of the fact that the only person who really knows what were doing is God. YET we will jump up onto benches and do a little disco dance for a little kid so that the kid knows what a bench is, while there is a bunch of cars going by with people in them; and who knows you might know one of them; watching.

Kinda funny really.

Aurum.

Falling

Wonderful. Just wonderful. The return of DCS (or CCS). It's TERRIBLE! I finally manage to get help to my feet as a Christian, and I hardly take a step and fall down again! I don't know now if its that I won't stand up, can't stand up, or am in the process of figuring out how to stand up but I'm stuck. AGAIN!

I just don't get it. There's all these other people, Christians, I know who are totally "Jesus is my best friend!" and here's me: "What? Me? Ya, I'm a Christian. I think." Heck for most of my life my 'best friends' were books (and not usually the best books for ones spirit or soul.) And sometimes I think they still are. All these people feel God ALL THE TIME, and sometimes that happens to me, occasionally at the most, while it happens to them all the time. Is God just ignoring me or something?

When I pray I fell like I'm just talking to my nice white ceiling, and listening to other people pray I sometimes have to wonder if they're talking to God, or just making sure that we got their message "God, we know that you love us, we know that bla bla bla, we know you'll free us, we know yadda yadda yadda," and so on and so forth. GOD KNOWS THIS, I'M SURE HE DOESN'T NEED TO HERE IT A MILLION HUNDRED TIMES!

Now if it was only that, I could deal with it. But its so much more. I know it isn't easy being a Christian, but I didn't think it was going to be so hard that I don't fell like one. Heck, (like I've said before) I can't even get God into my writing (though hopefully with my new story... *which I won't explain because it is really complicated).

Or even more, the 'baptism of the holy spirit' which makes people speak in tongues. While I did that at Re:Gen, and I still only speak English. I'm I just some random freak Christian who wasn't supposed to be a Christian anyway? I know (from reading stuff, and listening to people talk) that other people feel this way too, but when they start talking (preaching, whatever) they've gotten past that and God is their #1, and here's me wondering if that's ever going to happen to me. Everyone else seems to have it all together as a Christian, and if they don't understand something they go to one of a zillion people and get help. Here's me falling apart and I don't even know how to talk to someone about it.

Aurum.