Have You Ever Felt Like?

Have you ever felt like your the only person in the world not 100% in tune with the rest of the world? Or that your world is going to fall apart with a simple wind, while other people's world could stand up against the strongest hurrican? Or that everyone else has it all together while your still scrambling around, trying to figure out what it is?

I feel like that all the time. Expessually when it comes to my faith. If you can even call it faith. All these people come to my school for chaple and tell you everything that God has done for them, how he pulled them from their own personal hells and gave them life. How ever since they became a Christian they've had this joy and unending happiness in them.

Sometimes I find it all depressing. Simply because I've been a Christian for FIVE years and feal no closer to God then I did before I was a Christian. I fall asleep when trying to read my Bible, and the thought of sharing about Him in front of other people is enough to freeze me solid. Lets face it, I stink at being a Christian. I can't even feel it in my heart that God loves me. I know he does, it just doesn't feel like it.

And then these people; these amazing Christians who are totally on fire for God; have found ways to incoperate God into their jobs; even if they hate their jobs. I can't. I cannot find a way to get God into my human passion. My writing. I have tried, and tried, and tried so many times to put God into my stories, and I can't. Maybe its because I don't write 'typical' Christian material type stories; how do you get God into a story where your main character is either sucidal, or can kill without blinking? I have tried to write good Christian novels, but the main charater is either never thinking of God, or just is not a Christian and will never become one.

Sometimes I just feel like a person; analagy; of a Christian. A late devolper. While the rest of the world at the same age; for being a Christian; is walking and running to God, I'm just barely starting to learn to crawl. And it doesn't matter what I do, I can't get myself to learn to crawl faster, or even start walking. And if it took me five years to start to crawl, how long is it going to take for me to really be able to run to God? Will I even be alive by that time? Will I die without really knowing God, no matter how hard I tried?

I don't know. I just don't know.

Aurum.