Saturday, December 8, 2007

Hot Apple Cider

Today was quite weird. Extremely odd I guess you could say. It started out I was just taking a little girl that I babysit out for a walk to Value Village to do some random window/looking around the store pointlessly shopping. They finally had the Nativity Scene up in this fountain (like they do every year) so I stopped to look at it, and there was this group of people from some church (I'm not actually sure which one) who were singing Christmas Carols (the good ones, not the 'have-a-happy-holiday-but-be-careful-over-which-holiday-and-be-politically-correct junkie ones that they have), as well they were giving out cookies, candy canes, and hot apple cider. The little girl I babysit got two candy canes and I got hot apple cider (which I spilt on my hands three times while trying to push her stroller, but thankfully it wasn't blistering hot).
On the way back from Value Village I stopped there again and tried to explain to the little girl about the manager scene. I ended up explaining it five times (she's only two) naming each of the figures in there. The cutest thing was when we were leaving she said "Box! 'Esus!" As we continued walking she started pointing at random stuff going "Whatdi?" (what's this) so I was naming the stuff off, as well as what it did. The first thing was one of those little glass shelters that they have at some bus stops. So I go: "It's a shelter," and I pushing the buggy under it and stopped, "it keeps you dry when its raining," and then because we weren't that far from the manger scene I tacked on, "just like Jesus does." The next was a light posts, its description being: "It goes high into the sky and shines light on the street so people know were to go, just like Jesus does." (Do remember that this was for 'her' benefit.) And then it kinda hit me, it was just like Jesus does. Jesus is high up in the sky shining light on the world so people know were to go. And then it started to get really weird, everything I tried to explain I could truthfully tack on 'just like Jesus does.' The fire hydrant holds the water that puts out fires, Jesus can put out spiritual fires. Crossing lights tell you when to walk and when to be still, and Jesus can do that too. Cross walk lines are boundaries that you have to follow to stay safe, and Jesus sets boundaries. It was almost a little freaky where you can find something here that mimics Jesus.
And then my second revolution of the day was; still on the walk; bus stop benches. Just so the little girl that I babysat knew what I was talking about when I tried to explain about the benches, I jumped up onto one of the benches and did a little disco dance; on two different benches. Which then got me to thinking; someone could have seen me make a total fool of my self for a little girl, how embarrassing. But it wasn't really embarrassing. Which got me thinking even more. People now a day's won't do something God asks us to do because it might embarrass us in front of other people, and we don't think of the fact that the only person who really knows what were doing is God. YET we will jump up onto benches and do a little disco dance for a little kid so that the kid knows what a bench is, while there is a bunch of cars going by with people in them; and who knows you might know one of them; watching.
Kinda funny really.
Aurum.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Falling

Wonderful. Just wonderful. The return of DCS (or CCS). It's TERRIBLE! I finally manage to get help to my feet as a Christian, and I hardly take a step and fall down again! I don't know now if its that I won't stand up, can't stand up, or am in the process of figuring out how to stand up but I'm stuck. AGAIN!
I just don't get it. There's all these other people, Christians, I know who are totally "Jesus is my best friend!" and here's me: "What? Me? Ya, I'm a Christian. I think." Heck for most of my life my 'best friends' were books (and not usually the best books for ones spirit or soul.) And sometimes I think they still are. All these people feel God ALL THE TIME, and sometimes that happens to me, occasionally at the most, while it happens to them all the time. Is God just ignoring me or something?
When I pray I fell like I'm just talking to my nice white ceiling, and listening to other people pray I sometimes have to wonder if they're talking to God, or just making sure that we got their message "God, we know that you love us, we know that bla bla bla, we know you'll free us, we know yadda yadda yadda," and so on and so forth. GOD KNOWS THIS, I'M SURE HE DOESN'T NEED TO HERE IT A MILLION HUNDRED TIMES!
Now if it was only that, I could deal with it. But its so much more. I know it isn't easy being a Christian, but I didn't think it was going to be so hard that I don't fell like one. Heck, (like I've said before) I can't even get God into my writing (though hopefully with my new story... *which I won't explain because it is really complicated).
Or even more, the 'baptism of the holy spirit' which makes people speak in tongues. While I did that at Re:Gen, and I still only speak English. I'm I just some random freak Christian who wasn't supposed to be a Christian anyway? I know (from reading stuff, and listening to people talk) that other people feel this way too, but when they start talking (preaching, whatever) they've gotten past that and God is their #1, and here's me wondering if that's ever going to happen to me. Everyone else seems to have it all together as a Christian, and if they don't understand something they go to one of a zillion people and get help. Here's me falling apart and I don't even know how to talk to someone about it.
Aurum.