Falling

Wonderful. Just wonderful. The return of DCS (or CCS). It's TERRIBLE! I finally manage to get help to my feet as a Christian, and I hardly take a step and fall down again! I don't know now if its that I won't stand up, can't stand up, or am in the process of figuring out how to stand up but I'm stuck. AGAIN!

I just don't get it. There's all these other people, Christians, I know who are totally "Jesus is my best friend!" and here's me: "What? Me? Ya, I'm a Christian. I think." Heck for most of my life my 'best friends' were books (and not usually the best books for ones spirit or soul.) And sometimes I think they still are. All these people feel God ALL THE TIME, and sometimes that happens to me, occasionally at the most, while it happens to them all the time. Is God just ignoring me or something?

When I pray I fell like I'm just talking to my nice white ceiling, and listening to other people pray I sometimes have to wonder if they're talking to God, or just making sure that we got their message "God, we know that you love us, we know that bla bla bla, we know you'll free us, we know yadda yadda yadda," and so on and so forth. GOD KNOWS THIS, I'M SURE HE DOESN'T NEED TO HERE IT A MILLION HUNDRED TIMES!

Now if it was only that, I could deal with it. But its so much more. I know it isn't easy being a Christian, but I didn't think it was going to be so hard that I don't fell like one. Heck, (like I've said before) I can't even get God into my writing (though hopefully with my new story... *which I won't explain because it is really complicated).

Or even more, the 'baptism of the holy spirit' which makes people speak in tongues. While I did that at Re:Gen, and I still only speak English. I'm I just some random freak Christian who wasn't supposed to be a Christian anyway? I know (from reading stuff, and listening to people talk) that other people feel this way too, but when they start talking (preaching, whatever) they've gotten past that and God is their #1, and here's me wondering if that's ever going to happen to me. Everyone else seems to have it all together as a Christian, and if they don't understand something they go to one of a zillion people and get help. Here's me falling apart and I don't even know how to talk to someone about it.

Aurum.