Nerves, jitters, and just plain being tired.

What a wonderful couple of weeks I've been having. Well, week anyway. I've gotten full into the swing of helping out backstage. The teacher in charge of the backstage broke her ankle so she can't do as much as she usually does, and no one else signed up to work backstage this year, so I have a lot more responsibility backstage then I had the last two years. But, thankfully, there is a lot less to do on the whole this year. Just really set the stage once. With a couch, a love seat, three chairs, an art easel, books into a shelf, and such. The rest is making sure people don't run off with the props, occasionally going on between scenes to clear everything up. But I don't think I really have to do that, I'm not sure. I also get the fun job of chasing people down. Honestly I think I'm to lose wait working backstage this year. It's going to be fun.

Now that has been one of the highlights of me week. Youth; which is usually one of the things I look forward to each week; was a low light. I was in a sour mood almost the whole time, and really was just hating it. Now to just say it was a mood swing, or that I was just tired would be a full out and out lie. I was sour because of very stupid and selfish reasons. They started of the night officially by people who were on the LA missions trip coming up and talking about it. I had really wanted to go on that trip, and my mom said no and was a major roadblock so I couldn't go, and I didn't really want to listen to how much fun they had. Also with it came testimonies. I really really dislike listening to testimonies. Again because of DCS. And while they were talking they would bring up something that would click with another member of the group who went to LA and they would all be going 'oh ya, I remember that' which led the the sour that "The trip down memory lane is only for those who made the path to begin with." I was very sour and it was my own fault I know.

What else? I've been really spiritually blah this week. I finished the book of Psalms last week, and then had to decide 'What do I read next. Isiah or Jeremiah?' I picked Isiah because it was before Jeremiah so that when I finish Isiah I can go right into Jeremiah, but I haven't been reading it much. I think I'm still on the second or third chapter. There is sixty some chapters in that book and some of them aren't toothpick sized chapters either!

I just got back from this weeks small groups (finally! I've been waiting for forever; six weeks really; for it to start up again). We were talking about... about... darn I can't remember the exact word but it was basically about how to keep us from being the person whose marriage is falling apart, or being the girl who sleeps with the boys, we have to get ride of the things that separate us from God. Even the really really small things that don't seem important. If God tells us to do some thing, or get rid of something we have to. It was basically about being faithful in the little things so that God can give you bigger things. And then me, being the ever so curious big questioning mouth I am, started asking a million and five questions. First about speaking in tongues, and then onto other things that is going to sound really really really weird when I type them out, which I am going to do so be prepared for the weird. Or at least my definition of weird.

See with me I get feelings. Like something is going to happen and whatnot. I'm not spykik(sp?) because A) I can't actually tell you what exactly is going to happen, just that something is going to happen. B) I'm not getting these feelings from the dead. and C) I don't believe spykik's(sp?) really work. So anyway, for the longest time now I have had the feeling that something is going to happen. And not just anything, something big. The oddest thing is that I feel like I'm going to play some important role in it. And because of this I always feel like there's a huge war in my mind. As if Satan and God have picked my mind to be their battle ground. To me that sounds really vain though, "Oh, something big is going to happen and God is going to use me in a very important way." To me that just sounds vain. And anyway how do I know God is actually going to use me in this big way or if its just my mind manipulating this feeling of something is going to happen and twisting it to say 'your going to be a huge part of it.' I guess I could argue to that thought that I wouldn't willingly of my own earthly desire play a major part of anything. I'm backstage crew, not the star of the show. Even when auditioning I try out for the smaller parts. The reasons I feel like something is coming, comes from a lot of things.
These things I call Puzzle Peaces because its like one big puzzle to me. It's as if I'm starring at a 1000 peace puzzle that has no edge or corner peaces, and all the peaces are black, and you don't know if it's don't correctly until you have all the peaces and then the puzzle turns to colour.

These wonderful peaces are, the story of Samuel, which will lead me to something else, that I'll get to later. This story just kept popping up in my mind, over and over and over again and I didn't know which story it was, so I actually had to ask my small group what story it was. The next was also something that popped up in my head was Timothy. I should read Timothy, so I did, mainly because at the time I was bored and had nothing else to do. I read it and I came about the verse in 1 Timothy 4:12 which says 'Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.' Now these two peaces don't say that something is coming. These two almost seems to say, 'your going to play a big part in it.' The last peace is two peaces really that came glued together. It's a story and a dream. In the dream I'm in church, all the chairs are facing forward, not in our Church's somewhat straight semi-circle, everyone was talking (because I go to a social church) but everyone was sitting, except me. I was either in a bunch of chairs, or I was in one of the rows. But I was standing with one story of the Bible running through my head, and the thought of 'somethings coming'. A few other things I noticed was that the legs of the chairs did not look thick enough to support that people, but they did, and that although there is no windows near where I was, and the walls and ceiling were up, it was as bright as if the sun was shining in the room. The story that went with this dream is the story of Jehoshaphat. How he and his army had to defend Israel (or where they attacking?) and on his way out to battle he sent out singers and dancers to praise God ahead of his army and when they arrived at where the battle was to take place, the enemy had already been defeated.

Now the thing about Samuel, was that all day today I kept hearing someone calling my name. I really thought nothing of it. I would turn whenever I heard my name, and see no one, and thought 'huh, hearing things.' It wasn't until I was at my small group and telling them about this did I think of Samuel, and after I thought of it, a friend of mine actually said, "Doesn't it remind you of Samuel."

Wow this is getting to be very long. I won't keep you reading too much longer I promise.

The only thing that I'm trying not to let erke me is that I don't know what is coming, when it's coming, and what part I really have in it. My friend; the one mentioned above; said 'it was like the Eternity play you don't know what part you get until a couple days before hand.' To me its like a math equation. A+B=C. With the Eternity play A=What, the play. B=auditioning. C=what part your going to play, actually cast with lines, or angel. With this its more of A=Something is coming, but I don't know what. B=I don't know know when. C=I don't know what part I'm going to play. So I'm really dealing with D+P=Z for all that I know. Now I know that God will reveal His plan in His own timing and that I should be patient and all, but it is almost unnerving know that something is coming, but not know what, when, or how it will happen. But for the moment I'll let God know all of this. I'm sure that if I really know what was going on I wouldn't want to because it would either be A) really horrible. or B) ruin the surprise now that I know.

Nighty night all. I have a full day of school tomorrow. (Well not school. Play rehearsal at school on the first day that it is sunny and warm at the same time. God please help me with this really big little thing.)

Night people.

Aurum.