Hot Apple Cider

Today was quite weird. Extremely odd I guess you could say. It started out I was just taking a little girl that I babysit out for a walk to Value Village to do some random window/looking around the store pointlessly shopping. They finally had the Nativity Scene up in this fountain (like they do every year) so I stopped to look at it, and there was this group of people from some church (I'm not actually sure which one) who were singing Christmas Carols (the good ones, not the 'have-a-happy-holiday-but-be-careful-over-which-holiday-and-be-politically-correct junkie ones that they have), as well they were giving out cookies, candy canes, and hot apple cider. The little girl I babysit got two candy canes and I got hot apple cider (which I spilt on my hands three times while trying to push her stroller, but thankfully it wasn't blistering hot).

On the way back from Value Village I stopped there again and tried to explain to the little girl about the manager scene. I ended up explaining it five times (she's only two) naming each of the figures in there. The cutest thing was when we were leaving she said "Box! 'Esus!" As we continued walking she started pointing at random stuff going "Whatdi?" (what's this) so I was naming the stuff off, as well as what it did. The first thing was one of those little glass shelters that they have at some bus stops. So I go: "It's a shelter," and I pushing the buggy under it and stopped, "it keeps you dry when its raining," and then because we weren't that far from the manger scene I tacked on, "just like Jesus does." The next was a light posts, its description being: "It goes high into the sky and shines light on the street so people know were to go, just like Jesus does." (Do remember that this was for 'her' benefit.) And then it kinda hit me, it was just like Jesus does. Jesus is high up in the sky shining light on the world so people know were to go. And then it started to get really weird, everything I tried to explain I could truthfully tack on 'just like Jesus does.' The fire hydrant holds the water that puts out fires, Jesus can put out spiritual fires. Crossing lights tell you when to walk and when to be still, and Jesus can do that too. Cross walk lines are boundaries that you have to follow to stay safe, and Jesus sets boundaries. It was almost a little freaky where you can find something here that mimics Jesus.

And then my second revolution of the day was; still on the walk; bus stop benches. Just so the little girl that I babysat knew what I was talking about when I tried to explain about the benches, I jumped up onto one of the benches and did a little disco dance; on two different benches. Which then got me to thinking; someone could have seen me make a total fool of my self for a little girl, how embarrassing. But it wasn't really embarrassing. Which got me thinking even more. People now a day's won't do something God asks us to do because it might embarrass us in front of other people, and we don't think of the fact that the only person who really knows what were doing is God. YET we will jump up onto benches and do a little disco dance for a little kid so that the kid knows what a bench is, while there is a bunch of cars going by with people in them; and who knows you might know one of them; watching.

Kinda funny really.

Aurum.

Falling

Wonderful. Just wonderful. The return of DCS (or CCS). It's TERRIBLE! I finally manage to get help to my feet as a Christian, and I hardly take a step and fall down again! I don't know now if its that I won't stand up, can't stand up, or am in the process of figuring out how to stand up but I'm stuck. AGAIN!

I just don't get it. There's all these other people, Christians, I know who are totally "Jesus is my best friend!" and here's me: "What? Me? Ya, I'm a Christian. I think." Heck for most of my life my 'best friends' were books (and not usually the best books for ones spirit or soul.) And sometimes I think they still are. All these people feel God ALL THE TIME, and sometimes that happens to me, occasionally at the most, while it happens to them all the time. Is God just ignoring me or something?

When I pray I fell like I'm just talking to my nice white ceiling, and listening to other people pray I sometimes have to wonder if they're talking to God, or just making sure that we got their message "God, we know that you love us, we know that bla bla bla, we know you'll free us, we know yadda yadda yadda," and so on and so forth. GOD KNOWS THIS, I'M SURE HE DOESN'T NEED TO HERE IT A MILLION HUNDRED TIMES!

Now if it was only that, I could deal with it. But its so much more. I know it isn't easy being a Christian, but I didn't think it was going to be so hard that I don't fell like one. Heck, (like I've said before) I can't even get God into my writing (though hopefully with my new story... *which I won't explain because it is really complicated).

Or even more, the 'baptism of the holy spirit' which makes people speak in tongues. While I did that at Re:Gen, and I still only speak English. I'm I just some random freak Christian who wasn't supposed to be a Christian anyway? I know (from reading stuff, and listening to people talk) that other people feel this way too, but when they start talking (preaching, whatever) they've gotten past that and God is their #1, and here's me wondering if that's ever going to happen to me. Everyone else seems to have it all together as a Christian, and if they don't understand something they go to one of a zillion people and get help. Here's me falling apart and I don't even know how to talk to someone about it.

Aurum.

Finally Standing

OK, its been about a week since I've updated, but I have been busy. OK that's not totally true, since the last post, I haven't been doing that much. OK, I have been almost totally nothing, that's why I didn't post anything. But then Thursday evening, all of Friday, and some of Saturday (the morning and the first bit of the afternoon) I was at a Youth Conference called Re:Generation, Re:Gen for short. It was amazing, I could try to tell you all that happened, but it just wouldn't have been the same as being there. At the beginning of each of the four main sessions their was a worship time which was amazing, the main sessions were amazing, as were the workshops. I went to four. Three on Friday, and one Saturday. On Friday I went to one called "In Your Faith" one called "What Do You Have In Your Hands?" and one called "Whatcha' Doing After High School?" The last one was to do with a program that the church that hosted Re:Gen had, but its the same as the interns that my church has; which I plan to save up for and attend.

Now, why I am I writing about this conference you ask? Simple. It is there that I finally managed to; as a Christian; by pass the stage of learning to crawl and learned how to stand. Not that its all easy running now, I still have to learn to walk, but I can stand! STAND!

Also at Re:Gen I got two items (bought). A t-shirt which cost me $20 (compared to the hoodie I wanted which was $40), and a set of dog tags from last years conference. I was thinking about the tags today in social studies class where were learning about WW2 and I got to thinking, I really really really despise war, so why on earth am I wearing dog tags? Its simple; after a lot of thinking I think I have it figured out; any soldier needs dog tags to at least show who's army they belong too, so why doesn't the army of God? That is why I've decided to wear it.

Now, away from the conference; which I'm still catching up on sleep from. Tonight at Youth, was Faith Night. On Faith Nights we go around from school to school (we usually cover only two or three schools). Tonight we split up into three groups. One staid at the school that the church is part off, one went to two other schools; but only got to one, which is okay; and the group I was in went to two schools. My school, and the school just down the road from my school. But the one that really impacted me was the one at the other school. While we were praying I had this thing (the people in my youth called it a vision, so I guess that works, but I think it was more of a thought) were I saw this girl walking around a post near the school, no one was around her, she was just walking around the post staring at the ground thinking. And then after when we were in our larger group (our group had split up to pray) on of the boys (an intern) had said he had the vision of a girl having to make a major choice soon, and I (and some of the people at youth as well) think it could be the same person. It's cool really.

Well anyway, I thought I'd just share my happiness now. Goodnight and God bless.

Aurum.

Empty

This stinks. At youth we were watching this video on your potential in life, and how to live up to it (and apples and apple seeds) and while I laughed at a few of the things the guy said I didn't really feel it click. Everyone else was all "Ya! Wow! Right on!" and here was me just trying to stay awake. (It wasn't that it was boring, I was just really really tired).

Or, today in chapel, a girl from a younger grade was giving her testimony, and yes it was good, but again nothing clicked for me. In fact I usually HATE hearing testimonies because they bring on what I fondly call DCS, or Depressing Christian Syndrome. These people go through extreme hardships (or what would seam extreme to a person like me) and through it they either drift away from God, or draw closer to Him. But at the end they are always closer to God then before. Or they just randomly came to God through a bunch of circumstances and now their totally on fire for God, and they have this over flowing joy and they have to tell everyone about it or its just going to burst from them. Me on the other hand, would rather fade into the background then speak out like that, and I really don't feel any different then I did when I was a non-Christian (though I am a little more sensitive to people swearing then I was before). So in general I find the whole thing depressing because their testimonies don't motivate me to drift closer to God, nor do they push me from Him.

Who knows maybe something will eventually click with God and me one day. Until then, its just nothing. Empty. Blank.

Aurum.

Have You Ever Felt Like?

Have you ever felt like your the only person in the world not 100% in tune with the rest of the world? Or that your world is going to fall apart with a simple wind, while other people's world could stand up against the strongest hurrican? Or that everyone else has it all together while your still scrambling around, trying to figure out what it is?

I feel like that all the time. Expessually when it comes to my faith. If you can even call it faith. All these people come to my school for chaple and tell you everything that God has done for them, how he pulled them from their own personal hells and gave them life. How ever since they became a Christian they've had this joy and unending happiness in them.

Sometimes I find it all depressing. Simply because I've been a Christian for FIVE years and feal no closer to God then I did before I was a Christian. I fall asleep when trying to read my Bible, and the thought of sharing about Him in front of other people is enough to freeze me solid. Lets face it, I stink at being a Christian. I can't even feel it in my heart that God loves me. I know he does, it just doesn't feel like it.

And then these people; these amazing Christians who are totally on fire for God; have found ways to incoperate God into their jobs; even if they hate their jobs. I can't. I cannot find a way to get God into my human passion. My writing. I have tried, and tried, and tried so many times to put God into my stories, and I can't. Maybe its because I don't write 'typical' Christian material type stories; how do you get God into a story where your main character is either sucidal, or can kill without blinking? I have tried to write good Christian novels, but the main charater is either never thinking of God, or just is not a Christian and will never become one.

Sometimes I just feel like a person; analagy; of a Christian. A late devolper. While the rest of the world at the same age; for being a Christian; is walking and running to God, I'm just barely starting to learn to crawl. And it doesn't matter what I do, I can't get myself to learn to crawl faster, or even start walking. And if it took me five years to start to crawl, how long is it going to take for me to really be able to run to God? Will I even be alive by that time? Will I die without really knowing God, no matter how hard I tried?

I don't know. I just don't know.

Aurum.